The Mayans were wrong, we see that now. Deep down we always knew it. The reason we knew, despite all the hoopla, that the world would not end by Zombies on December 21st, 2012, is that we know a deeper truth.
The world will end by Hedgehogs.
First, it’s of crucial import that we not try to fight it. Once a hedgehog has tasted blood, there is no deterring him (or her). (S)he will have you in his/her clutches. (S)he will chase you to the end of his/her choke chain, then burrow under the wrought iron of his/her hedgehog slop pen.
(Just an aside– Has anyone else noticed how buggardly effortful it is to try to speak in non-offensive, gender-neutral hedgehog terminology? Let’s just assume all evil hedgehogs are male, okay? No offense, guys.)
Sorry, where was I?
Oh, yeah. Hedgehogs…
So yeah, just give it up. Turn yourself in. Soon enough the hedgehogs of the world will be basking in the glow of utter destruction. Maybe they’ll have a party with the zombies and roaches, because I hear those things are bloody indestructible.
In light of the upcoming Hedgehog Apocalypse, I’m going to need some volunteers. Just a few people willing to nominate a hero of the Hedgehog Apocalypse.
I will begin by suggesting Channing Tatum, who remains both down to earth and ridiculously hot, and who often begins his morning by leaping off the second story balcony of his home into a swimming pool. Plus he’s a dog owner, and adores his wife.
That’s the kind of guy I want fighting hedgehogs.
So, hit me up with your nomination. Be sure to tell me why you’re nominating him (or her) and what (s)he can do for the Hedgehog Resistance. Then tweet about this post! (Cue me @CecilyWhite so I know you did!)
If, at the end of this week, I choose your nominee as the official Hedgehog Apocalypse Hero(ine), YOU will be given the honor of (psychically) predicting the date of the upcoming Hedgehog Apocalypse. It’s a huge honor. Trust me.
Plus you’ll get a $5 gift card to Starbucks!
(Feel free to discuss the nominees in the comments section. Public opinion will be considered.)
Then go visit my guest post on Kate Evangelista’s blog for more about hedghogs and FREE STUFF from me!!!